Fears Inside

 

I don’t believe that fairy tales would be happened in a realistic world, but it’s funny, or I should say it is sarcastic, I’ve been expecting subconsciously that a fairy tale will appear in my life…

Is our story a fairy tale?

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There are usually two voices in my head. One of them told me, “This man is the one for you, you should spend the rest of your life to be with him”. Usually, this voice conduct my mind, I following this voice most of the time.

But, another one voice always knew how to grab a chance, take any advantage to against. Such as, “You have been single for more than 15 years, didn’t rely on a man…Are you sure that you are going to leave your mom, to give up all of you have here because of him? Is he worth it?” Or voice like, “You already have taken an adventure because of love once, are you serious considering to take a risk one more time? You are not young any more, cannot afford loss.”…

These two voices fight frequently in my head, my mind struggling at times, so I retreated at times…

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You must know, there will be lots of things we need to go through and many problems we need to solve together if we decided to be together.

I am wondering if you did any search to learn what we should do so I could stay in the US a long term?

Have you searched how “work visa” works as you told me that you were going to figure out?

Are you looking for the day I can live with you?

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You often said, you are afraid that I would not love you when I get to know you very well, or said words like, you are curious about why I put up with you…

But do you know that I have the same fears? What if one day you no longer tolerate my stubbornness? Or you eventually figure out that you dislike some of my personalities which causes you don’t love me anymore?

Also, I am very sensitive, sometimes even suspicious a little bit…and, if I get suspicious on something, I am used to analyze the matter, the situation, the issue…I got to say, I am good at analysis.

Can you adjust that?

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One thing I thought about it often is, you are really a Sunshine boy, you enjoy sunshine, enjoy outdoors, but, I am afraid of sunshine, I cannot have a lot of sunlight. Sunlight can cause me in troubles of health…I might not be able to join your many outdoors, can you accept that kind of me?

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Keep distance from people makes me feel safer; I am afraid to give my promise; it makes me insecure when loving someone; being alone usually makes me feel comfortable and peaceful…

To be honest, I am not brave to face love. I am scared of failure.

I know my weak part, I use a cold and detached appearance as an armor to protect myself…Yes, it is just like you said, I built walls…

Would I being alone until die?

I hate this thought! This thought fears me…

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Is our story a Fairy Tale?

No, I don’t think so.

I would rather to believe, it is a Destiny.