My Love~~

I love this picture.

When I opened the red envelope, took out the Christmas card, the first eyesight of mine…I love this picture.

I remember that I have told you, I always admire when I see elder people holding hands walking on the street…I hope, one day, there will be a man I love and he loves me too holding my hand, walking by my side…We will be together like that way, to support, to accompany each other until we are really, really old…until I leave this world.

I think I have found the man…

You are that one.

I am surprised and happy that you picked this card.

I love this picture.

I love your words.

I read several times your words, I am touched, even tears in my eyes.

Thank you for those words. You know that I do fear at times? I am afraid if I love you too much…I am afraid if I disappointed you one day, so you don’t love me anymore…I am afraid that life full of unknown and not sure if I have the ability and wisdom to deal with, to handle it…

But, your words encouraged me to face our future and do have faith in us.

It is Christmas today, I am so grateful. Thank God for giving me so much, for bring you to me.

I remember that first dinner we had at the restaurant “Tequila Sunrise” in 2012, we shared our wish (it’s December, close to new year)…I said, I wish I could find my Mr. Right…

I made the wish at the restaurant, that’s why I got to get back the restaurant in our anniversary, it’s like to finish a ritual, then to start a new chapter…I know, I am a little bit silly.

My love, may you be healthy, be happy.

Merry Christmas.

Will you miss me?

今早11:30的聯航班機載著你飛回愛達荷。。。
晚上我回到家，屋裡少了你的東西，變得空了許多
耳邊少了你的聲音，我的心，一下子跟著空蕩蕩的
不很習慣。。。
我開始想念你了
你，會想我嗎？ 

                           

憶起。。。

誠品 ● 敦南 ● 地下一樓
我在這裡  駐足  凝望
這裡曾經是兒童館，圖書、玩具...整整有兩個樓層
.......在很多年前
這是童年時的你最愛造訪的地方之一
我們以前每個月至少都要來一趟
現在...
不一樣了
賣的是年輕女孩的時髦玩意兒
兒童館移到了地下二樓
只佔據著一個小角落

我在這裡  駐足  凝望
回憶著生活中有你作伴彼此相依的短短數年時光
我在記憶中搜尋你童稚的笑語  還有你
呼喚『媽咪』的聲音



Fears Inside

 

I don’t believe that fairy tales would be happened in a realistic world, but it’s funny, or I should say it is sarcastic, I’ve been expecting subconsciously that a fairy tale will appear in my life…

Is our story a fairy tale?

************************************

There are usually two voices in my head. One of them told me, “This man is the one for you, you should spend the rest of your life to be with him”. Usually, this voice conduct my mind, I following this voice most of the time.

But, another one voice always knew how to grab a chance, take any advantage to against. Such as, “You have been single for more than 15 years, didn’t rely on a man…Are you sure that you are going to leave your mom, to give up all of you have here because of him? Is he worth it?” Or voice like, “You already have taken an adventure because of love once, are you serious considering to take a risk one more time? You are not young any more, cannot afford loss.”…

These two voices fight frequently in my head, my mind struggling at times, so I retreated at times…

************************************

You must know, there will be lots of things we need to go through and many problems we need to solve together if we decided to be together.

I am wondering if you did any search to learn what we should do so I could stay in the US a long term?

Have you searched how “work visa” works as you told me that you were going to figure out?

Are you looking for the day I can live with you?

************************************

You often said, you are afraid that I would not love you when I get to know you very well, or said words like, you are curious about why I put up with you…

But do you know that I have the same fears? What if one day you no longer tolerate my stubbornness? Or you eventually figure out that you dislike some of my personalities which causes you don’t love me anymore?

Also, I am very sensitive, sometimes even suspicious a little bit…and, if I get suspicious on something, I am used to analyze the matter, the situation, the issue…I got to say, I am good at analysis.

Can you adjust that?

************************************

One thing I thought about it often is, you are really a Sunshine boy, you enjoy sunshine, enjoy outdoors, but, I am afraid of sunshine, I cannot have a lot of sunlight. Sunlight can cause me in troubles of health…I might not be able to join your many outdoors, can you accept that kind of me?

************************************

Keep distance from people makes me feel safer; I am afraid to give my promise; it makes me insecure when loving someone; being alone usually makes me feel comfortable and peaceful…

To be honest, I am not brave to face love. I am scared of failure.

I know my weak part, I use a cold and detached appearance as an armor to protect myself…Yes, it is just like you said, I built walls…

Would I being alone until die?

I hate this thought! This thought fears me…

************************************                    

Is our story a Fairy Tale?

No, I don’t think so.

I would rather to believe, it is a Destiny.

It's over...

I didn’t mean to book a hotel where is so close to the hotel we have stayed years ago.

When the taxi driver pulled over his car to the side of the road and stopped at the Penta Hotel, I found this hotel I am going to stay in the next five days is located just right next to “New World Shanghai Hotel”…It is a complete coincidence.

I did think about you, think about us…but they were just like thoughts crossed my mind, not much feelings honestly. It is like to recall a memory which was long time ago, to recall a memory about an old friend…That’s all.

I guess, I already have got rid of you, step out of the shadow and sadness you have given me.

I want to tell you that I am fine, I am doing great, I am already moving on. I have my new life, and, there is a guy takes up space of my heart…

I hope you are doing well, and stay health. 

May God bless you.

Love & Forever

不記得有多少次，我都以為我們該會走不下去了，我甚至都已經準備要放棄，卻總在岌岌可危的懸崖邊緣時，被你拉了回去。而每一次的被你拉回，我的心就奇怪的又靠近你一些。

親愛的，有些話我真想告訴你。。。

你說，你生命中的兩個女人—你孩子的母親，還有你兩個好朋友的妻子都認為你是個asshole，那麼你是不是該檢討一下自己？如果你不是，那就不要管別人如何評論你；如果你覺得好像有那麼回事，那麼你是不是應該試著有所改變？

因為愛一個人，我們往往願意為他/她而變得更好。假設，你是真心喜歡我，你應該是想著如何改掉你很不好的地方，而不是問我能否忍受？或者疑惑，我能忍耐你多久？這就好比說，我就是這麼個爛人，你若愛我，就得照單全收。

你問我，能否全心全意愛你？guarantee forever就像我問你的那樣？我想，你我都無法guarantee forever，但我相信在真心誠意許諾的時候，我們都衷心期許那會是forever。。。

你知道嗎？我是真的認真考慮住到你的城市陪伴你，甚至思考該要好好計畫如何進行，如果我不夠愛你，我如何能抉擇離開我的母親，我的親人，我的朋友(雖然沒有幾個)，我滿意的工作，我熟悉的一切…為你，遠走異國？

萬一你發現你其實不愛我，我該如何？如果有人因為不喜歡亞洲人所以欺負我，你會保護我到何種程度？萬一你的母親或某個好友藐視我，你會怎麼辦？

這麼多的《如果》，這麼多的《未知》，我卻依然想要在你身邊陪著你，你說，我這樣夠不夠愛你呢？

There were so many times, I thought our relationship could not work out, I even thought about to quit…but, every time you pulled me back to you, just like pulled me back from the edge of a cliff. And, it is strange, my heart was even closer to you when each time you pulled me back…

My dear, you asked me, can I guarantee the same thing which I asked you? To love you with whole heart forever…

I think, either one of us cannot guarantee forever, but I do believe when we sincerely give words to each other, we all wish, it will be forever. That is the meaning of “forever” to me.

And dear, I do serious considering to be with you, to live with you in your city. I even considered that I should make a plan so we will learn what processes we need to proceed.

If I don’t care about you so much, if I don’t love you much enough, you think I would leave my mom, my friends, my job, the everything I familiar here, then fly to a total different world where is so far away from where my root is, just because of you…

Surely I do have questions on my mind at the same time…

What if you found that you don’t love me just in a short term, what should I do then? What if someone gave me grief just because he/she doesn’t like Asians, how would you protect me? What if your mom or some friends despised me for some reason, what would you do to defend for me? …

So many “unknowns”, so much stuff “unsure”, but still, I want to be with you, my mind has not changed.

So now you tell me, if I love you?

My dear, I hope, it is worth it to love you.

親愛的你/ My dear you...

我親愛的你，從手機螢幕中看著你那樣專注認真的為我裁製被子，心裡真的感動。
都說《時間》是寶貴的──尤其你手邊還有那麼多工作等你完成──一個樂意為妳付出寶貴時間的人，肯定重視妳。
一個大男人，彎著身子跪在地上，一刀一剪裁切...一針一線補綴著妳選擇的花色，再配上扣子...這樣費神為妳，這男人該是愛妳的吧？他該值得妳愛吧！？


Through my cellphone screen, I saw you were so concentrating on making a quilt for me. My dear you, I was really touched.
We all realize and agree that “time” is valuable for individuals, so I believe, if there is a man who is willing to spend his valued time, give a lot of care because of you, he must take you as very serious thing, you must mean something to him.
I saw a tough, big man was on his knees and bent over for making me a quilt…I think this man should be lovable, he deserves my love, right?

Just, when I thought about, he consented to make quilts for his other good female friends as well, so maybe, I am merely one of his very good friends?